Whether you followed the World Cup or not, you probably heard of Paul the Octopus.
If you didn't, according to Wiki,
Paul correctly picked all seven of Germany's World Cup games.
And he even picked the final game correctly.
What does this have to do with anything?
Well, guess who went to college with Paul the Octopus.
Our very own Homo the goat.
Homo and Paul the Octopus shared a dorm for two years at Cornell.
One night, Homo and Paul split a case of Miller Lite and did some LSD.
The next day, Paul correctly predicted the weather…to the second.
And Goat correctly predicted how many eggs would be hatched at his home farm that day.
Sensing they were onto something, Homo and Paul started a prediction company on campus. Students were paying for what would be on exams, what girl would be the drunkest that night, fluctuations in the stock market, you name it.
The company saw amazing profits in their first half-year.
Homo and Paul were getting laid all day.
Everything was perfect.
Until Homo predicted Paul's family would be on the menu at PF Changs, but forgot to tell Paul.
After that, Homo vowed never to predict again.
But then Paul resurfaced during the World Cup.
Rumor has it Paul was $20,000 in debt and needed the cash.
After seeing Paul's instant fame, the fires started burning in Homo.
Homo took some LSD and put away 15 Miller Lites in 25 minutes.
What followed were his predictions of the Eastern Conference this season.
We've been sitting on this since late July.
And it's time to let this out into the world.
Disclaimer: Homo's life accuracy rate in predictions is 98.3%.
First off, this is how I see the standings on the final day of the season:
1. Pittsburgh Penguins
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
3. Ottawa Senators
4. Tampa Bay Lightning
5. Montreal Canadiens
6. Atlanta Thrashers
7. Florida Panthers
8. New York Islanders
9. New Jersey Devils
10. Philadelphia Flyers
11. Washington Capitals
12. Carolina Hurricanes
13. Buffalo Sabres
14. Boston Bruins
15. New York Rangers
These are facts. I've never seen a vision so clearly.
Now I will walk you through what happens to lead to this output.
Yes, I've seen the Rangers as 15th, finishing dead-last in the entire NHL.
You will see this come to fruition a week into the season.
On October 15th, Mel Gibson announces he has made a bid on the Rangers franchise.
Within a week, the team is under his full control.
His first order of business is entirely revamping the Rangers' promotional schedule.
He makes every home game Anti-Semite Night.
The backlash you'd expect from something like this does occur.
Gibson's marketing falls apart when NHL players go on strike,
refusing to play in MSG because their agents are not allowed in the building.
The Rangers are forced to play only the road games on their schedule.
They finish 14-20-7, good for 35 points, last in the East.
When I started having my visions, I expected to see great things from the Hurricanes.
But then Paul Watson came into the picture.
On December 22, 2010, Paul Watson, blaming the Hurricanes' franchise for endangering whales,
brings the Steve Irwin ashore and rams it into the RBC Center, rendering it uninhabitable.
Carolina is hovering at the top of the Conference when this happens.
But they never recover from this and fail dismally down the stretch.
As for Watson, he goes back out into the ocean, his ship's fumes depleting the ozone layer, as he essentially just follows Japanese ships around and does nothing, except tainting the meat of whales that the Japanese just killed, thereby prompting the Japanese to kill even more whales.
I see the Sabres unveiling new uniforms sometime in September.
The Buffaslug logo will be noticeably absent from these new uniforms.
But therein lies part of Buffalo's disappointing finish in the standings.
On January 10th, 2010, with the Sabres playing a road game in Boston,
the Buffaslug emerges from Niagara Falls and obliterates the city of Buffalo.
The Sabres could have still continued on, if not for what happens in Boston that same night.
On January 10th, 2010, while hosting the Buffalo Sabres,
a mist rolls in on the city of Boston.
Reports later emerge that the smug building up amongst New England sports fans
had finally reached critical mass.
It envelops the entire city, including the TDBanknorth Garden, Sabres, and Bruins,
essentially wiping Boston off the map, while the players disappear into another dimension.
5 days later, residents in a Boston suburb spot the only survivor of the tragedy, emerging from the mist.
Trouble starts for the Capitals on November 14, 2010.
During a practice, Alex Ovechkin hits an HBO camera man knee-to-knee during a scrimmage.
As HBO is about to edit the tape and get ready to piece together an episode of the Winter Classic thing, the tape goes missing.
It comes to light that Ted Leonsis had the tape destroyed to protect Ovechkin.
With media vultures circling, Leonsis finally breaks.
In an inteview with Larry King, Leonsis goes on an uninterrupted 45-minute rant.
He not only denies taking the tape, but he also denies the moon landing.
After the rant, the season goes by the wayside for the Caps.
Bruce Boudreau develops an eating disorder after losing the Winter Classic 14-0.
Also, late in March, Leonsis has Yanni assassinated for his role in the Penguins' 2009 playoff series victory.
Greece and other countries respond by bombing D.C.
All told, 45 million people die.
The assault on Washington stops when Ted Leonsis signs all attacking nations
to front-loaded contracts that circumvent the United Nations bargaining agreement.
For ending the standoff, Leonsis is given the Congressional Medal of Honor,
again receiving an empty award rather than the Stanley Cup.
Caps miss the playoffs.
January 12, 2011, will be a tough day in Flyers country.
Paul Watson, three weeks removed from destroying the RBC Center,
gets a tip that the Burger King near Independence Hall has whale blubber on the menu.
He organizes a group to attack.
However, to his shock, it is not whale blubber being sold.
But rather it's the remains of Kate Smith, who is cryogenically frozen in the back walk-in freezer.
Watson is enraged that a whale is inhumanely frozen. He storms to City Hall and tells the mayor.
The mayor contacts Governor Ed Rendell, who orders the immediate unfreezing of Kate Smith.
The unfreezing does not end well.
Smith's frozen beast body, resembling two plump Christmas hams, unfreezes too quickly and droops to the floor.
Moments later, the mammoth beast stirs from her slumber and unleashes pure Hell on Philadelphia.
The entire city burns to the ground.
Smith emerges from the fire unscathed.
She eats Watson and slips into the Atlantic Ocean, reuniting with her pod.
Four months later, the U.S. Navy captures her and kills her.
Flyers miss the playoffs.
110% of all this happening.
After an eventful offseason, the Devils will start off on fire.
But soon there will be another burning sensation.
February 16, 2011, will be "Jersey Shore Night" at Prudential Arena.
Snooki goes for the cash and meets Ilya Kovachuk after the game.
They fall for each other and begin to date.
Kovalchuk soon contracts herpes.
Sometime in the first week of March, Kovalchuk takes a dump on a toilet in the Devils locker room.
The herpes quickly spreads, rendering the Devils useless.
They miss the playoffs by 2 points.
This is the clearest of all my visions.
Florida loses every game in October and November.
25 people show up to a game in late November.
Saddled with mounting financial loses and no wins, the team makes a bold move.
They fire their coach and give the reins to someone that they know can fill the seats and bring a winning record.
The winning begins immediately.
His cavalier coaching style and gamesmanship bravado begin to bring senior citizens from everywhere to the arena.
Part of his gimmick is to give long-winded and bizarre closing arguments to the crowd after games.
Florida wins a league-record 30 games in row.
Shirts being sold in late April:
Matlock is making the playoffs.
Longing for fans to come to his building, owner Charles Wang capitalizes on Mel Gibson's mistakes in Manhattan.
Being a minority himself, he institutes 20 Minority Nights throughout the season.
Islanders fans love the new and improved landscaping around Nassau Coliseum, and they start coming in droves.
Ted Nolan is brought back to coach an honorary game.
They will make the playoffs by default, since there are entire cities that have been annihilated.
Goats aren't treated well in Georgia.
On January 17th, the terror of the Buffaslug reaches its terrible end.
Mere days after destroying Buffalo, Buffaslug cross the border into Canada, heading for Montreal.
After a pedestrian 2-1 win over the Thrashers, Buffaslug spots Habs fans setting fire to random things.
Buffaslug joins in the chaos.
But he can't control his fury. Bell Centre burns to the ground, and everyone dies.
Canada is on High Alert. They scramble their Air Force fighter planes.
But they are no match for the Buffaslug.
Facing the terror of Buffaslug roaming the Canadian hinterlands, Canada calls in their last hope.
Gary Roberts becomes the Canadiens and plays his home games in Quebec.
He makes the playoffs.
With Gary Roberts assisting the Canadian army and becoming the Canadiens, Steven Stamkos whithers away and dies.
Unable to handle the grief, Marty St. Louis vows vengeance against Canada for Stamkos' death.
He turns his back on his home nation and begins his one-man war against Canada.
His first victim is Lightning captain Vincent Lecavalier.
While Vinny is taking a pre-game nap on the couch, St. Louis climbs a ladder up to him and quietly slits his throat.
St. Louis then runs north toward Canada, knife in tow.
He makes it as far as Kentucky before being taken captive by a gang of woodspeople.
He's never heard from again.
With all significant Canadian members of the Lightning gone, Ryan Malone steps up and leads the team to a playoff spot.
He then demands ownership of the Lightning in return for saving them,
not realizing the total value of the franchise is 17 cents and half of a Burger King value meal.
Much like the Thrashers, the Senators make the playoffs by default.
Nothing ever happens in Ottawa.
Looking for even more truculence from his team,
Burke instigates a fight between himself, Phil Kessel, and Dion Phaneuf over the last cookie in the breakroom.
Kessel wins the cookie and immediately devours it, leaving several crumbs behind.
Phaneuf predictably picks up the sloppy seconds.
Brian Burke names Phaneuf captain of the Leafs for the second time, proving once again that he is in fact losing his mind.
At the trade deadline the Leafs trade the next seventeen years of draft picks
to the remains of the city of Boston in exchange for the remains of Marc Savard.
Zombie Savard instantly clicks with Kessel and the two men go on a goal scoring/brain eating spree unlike any seen before.
It only comes to an end when Savard is hit by a car while driving to the arena.
Matt Cooke later claims responsibility.
I predict this blog will have an extensive Penguins preview posted before opening night.
Halloween Night 2010.
They have sex twice. Derek watches.
I have spoken.