A proposal to John Phillips of 93.7 THE FAN

3.14.2012
 
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John Phillips shows up from time to time on The Fan.  He adds to the list of respectable personalities on the station.  In a recent blog post, he opined on the return of Sidney Crosby.
 
He starts off with this.
 
I am rooting for him to do well in his return.  I just don’t think his return will last long.  If time has proven anything it’s that the Stanley Cup Playoffs are by far the most grueling, rugged post-season in all of professional sports.  It won’t take long for somebody to lay the wood to Crosby.  Or perhaps he takes a shot to the head.  Its hockey and these things happen.  If it happens to Crosby, he’s going to back to square one or perhaps much worse.
 
Fair assessment.
 
Then this:
 
I’m placing the over/under for Sidney Crosby will play before being sent back to the sidelines due to concussion like symptoms at 11.5 games.
 
Coupled with his statement that he doesn't think Crosby's return will last long, we can come to the conclusion that Phillips thinks Crosby will be sidelined again with concussion-like symptoms before the 10:00 mark of the second period in Crosby's 11th game back.
 
Then, finally:
 
If Sidney Crosby never suffers from post-concussion symptoms again, I will march down Grant Street naked, painted bright neon pink, being chased by a hungry pack of Doberman’s while playing Christmas Carols on a bag pipe as I stroke out and expire.  I’m certain that both events will never take place.  Or will they?
 
The words "never" and "again" keep Phillips safe for a long-ass time from marching down Grant Street naked.  But we posit to Phillips that instead he do something to mark the occasion when Crosby surpasses the 11.5-game benchmark that Phillips has set.  It's a reasonable request.
 
Our thoughts — If Crosby surpasses Phillips' 11.5-game benchmark without concussion-like symptoms, Phillips should do one of the following:
 
A.) Go for a swim in the Monongahela River.
B.) Wear a placard that says "I HATE CROSBY" in front of the American Eagle gate before a playoff game like John McClane did in Die Hard 3.
C.) Admit, on air, that he was wrong about Crosby and that he has the entire Gilmore Girls series on DVD.
 
These are the options.  Non-negotiable.

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