picture 7


When Darren Helm ended the Blackhawks' season, sending the Wings to the Cup Finals, everyone in Pittsburgh and Detroit stood up, knowing what it meant.
Well, almost everyone.
it's back.
The Pens have seen more red in these playoffs
than a project tester at Tampax Incorporated.
It continues, as an improbable rematch with the Red Wings awaits.
This was how it was supposed to be.
All season long, everyone has kept an eye on the Wings.
Ready to point and laugh, hoping Chris Osgood would get hit by a car.
It's time.
So, let loose with a sigh of relief.
The Pens don't have to wait till June 5th to play again.
One of these teams' seasons may be over in a span of 27 hours over the weekend.
Last year, everyone had some nerves going into the Finals.
This year, everyone in Pens Nation is going in full throttle.

If you're "afraid" of the Red Wings, we have no clue how you've come this far.

Get ready to hear the Pens aren't better than last year.
If that sentence appears in someone's article, don't read it.
At this point, you're going to have to pick and choose your battles.


Two important things.
1. We're are pulling the Don't Boo Hossa train out of the station.
If he had signed with Pittsburgh, the Pens wouldn't be here right now.
And the Pens' salary-cap outlook would look like Hiroshima.

And that's all we're gonna talk about Hossa.
Nobody really cares anymore.
If you do, it's 'cause you're trying to sell a magazine or a newspaper or the NHL, period.
And that moves us to Number 2.
2. We are shutting down Penguin/Hossa Photoshops.
For example, do not send us something like this:
Solid job, though.
Remember how Sidney Crosby feeds off of people booing him?
Just don't waste your time on Hossa.
In the long list of jerkoffs on the Red Wings, he is near the bottom.
Don't get us wrong — The thought of Orpik laying out Hossa at center ice
then placing a dollar bill on his chest as he lay there motionless puts a hop in our step.
Guys like Kris Draper, Holmstrom, Dan Cleary and his family [ask blackngold 66] —
Those are the guys to photoshop. They are the center of the Evil Empire.
And Chris Osgood.  The thought of getting another chance to watch the Pens break him floated in and out of your mind the last 12 months.
Before we get into the Red Wings, we have to tie up some loose ends.
After the jump:
— We have an e-mail allegedly from Ted Leonsis
— A story from Raleigh of a Penguins night out…
— A Dexter .GIF.
— And a stat we have been sitting on for one whole year.
Here's an e-mail that someone received from Texas Ted Leonsis.
We didn't post the precursor e-mail to this one.
Because we didn't feel like screenshotting a bunch of crap.
But you get the idea.
Drag the pic into your tabs bar so you don't strain yourself.
Or right-click and choose "view image" or whatev.

If you need more assistance in doing that, you shouldn't be alive.

what a joke

And then we get to an interesting story that made the rounds on LGP recently.
Clicking that link will send you to the novel.
It was basically way too long to post here.
This dude met the Pens at a bar, went with them back to his house, whatev.
We can't confirm the details of the story.
But we did call the sushi bar in the story and asked if the Pens were there Sunday night.
And they were.
Not sure how we feel about the Pens getting into some joke's car.
But then we ask why we even care.
It's their personal life. That's why we don't post pics of them out doing shit.
Rick's been holding the fort down here recently.
The queer guys with the keen eyes probably noticed he handled the Game 4 recap with ease.
The HOV Lane version of the series recap is that Malkin was the MVP,
Eric Staal/Sham Ward was the goat, and Chad Larose is a beast.
Stories about the RBC Center have been a great thing to read.
Here is an emotional e-mail sent in by a reader.
It's definitely must-read.
So Me, My wife, and my buddy and his fiancé went to game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Pittsburgh Penguins and some other team. We all 4 live in Charlotte as of 2006 and decided to make the 3 hour trip on a “school night”.

For the most part, the fans in the RBC showed some good ol' southern hospitality and rarely said anything negative towards the plague of Pens fans in the parking lot or “arena”.

We parked next to some Pens fans and tailgated for a while. We even got to drink some I.C. Light which was offered to us in true Pittsburgh tailgate fashion by another group of tailgaters. I had to decline the offer to indulge in some hamburger action based on the fact that my stomach was empty and my beer was running low. I had to be smart and conserve. This was game 4. No chance of wasting stomach space. Not with a sweep on the line.

7pm rolls around and we start heading for the seats. I took my "SHAMWARD" and "TREASON" sign into the building. The security guy saw it and laughed, giving me the go-ahead to bring it in.

…It Begins…

Long story short, Cam Ward Sucked and the Penguins won 4-1 and swept the series.

All day, I kept thinking about the fans leaving the building and all 4 of us rushing the lower level to watch the trophy presentation… it was so awesome in my head. They start to roll out the red carpet, the table comes out with an NHL logo on it. This is it. The Prince of Wales. One step closer to entering a rematch with Detroit. Visions of Marian Hossa saying he was going to sign with them because they were better positioned to win a cup entered my brain and I got chills.

… enter Hurricane "Douche Bag" (HDB)…

I see this guy walking down the stairs; he is about 5'8" 145lbs… He is leaving in shame and he yells at me:

HDB: I spit on you 5 times!

JFM: OK… and…
(HDB starts walking back up the steps towards me.)

At this point I start to think to myself: "How does this crap always happen to me?… Calm down… you're getting older… There is no need to fight some jackass… let it go…"

Then HDB spits in my face and turns to walk down the steps. I follow…

At the bottom of the steps is a female security guard. She is about 4'11"… I ask her to please call more security guards and tell her about HDB spitting in my face. Then HDB spits again…

"Don't kill this guy… walk away… it isn't worth it… grow up… you aren't 21 anymore…"

HDB Starts walking toward me. The next move was unpredictable but probably the easiest way to light my fire. He lightly and inconspicuously elbows me in the nose. I see red.

"Alright, KILL THE BASTARD, enough of this bullshit…"

HDB turns to walk away… The wind up… and the pitch… I throw a right to the back of his head which knocks him about 10 feet forward (later, some witnesses argued if it was a push or a punch and one of them claimed it was a "push" because "there's no way a punch makes someone move that far"). He turns around and comes toward me. But he isn't looking at me. He is targeting someone else. He throws a punch…

It lands on his target. I turn to see who he hit. I think "Great, now Smitty (my buddy) is hit".

…But I was wrong…

The son of a bitch cracked my wife in the face.


He charges at me and tries to tackle me around the waste. I am 6’3” about 3 bills. I drop a people’s elbow into his neck and I gained the opportunity to do something I have always wanted to do. His “Jersey wasn't tied down…” I pull his shirt over his head and give him about a dozen upper cuts to the face in true hockey fashion. He falls to the ground and I got on top of him and began smashing his face. I catch one of his teeth with a punch.

I am punching him in the face, Smitty starts kicking his ribs in a manner reminiscent of the Robert Deniro stomp in Goodfellas.

Then some good Samaritan Caniac starts working his legs. For a moment his whole body is covered in punches and kicks. As they pull me off the guy, I kicked his face and felt the heel of my boot catch his nose. He took a Reginald Denny style beating for about 45 seconds, but overall, he took a pretty severe ass beating.

He tries to scramble away shirtless covered in red (by now, purple) marks, stupidity and shame, but security nabs him and cuffs him.

Immediately I turn to see if my wife is Ok. She is crying and holding the side of her face. My blood runs red hot and for a moment I consider continuing the beating while he is cuffed. Seeing her cry like that was unreal. "Kill him…"

But in the end, cooler heads prevailed. I settled down and began bitching at the security guard that she let this happen. I started complaining that I told her like 5 times to call security as HDB was leaving. Within minutes I am surrounded by security and police. They ask me to fill out a report. Grabbing the pen I realize my hand is broken (probably from the "push"). My wife stops crying and starts joking around about the situation. That made me feel a little less like breaking HDB's neck.

They ask us if we want to press charges, yadda, yadda, yadda… my wife and I discuss it and decide it isn't worth making a trip back to the shit hole that is Raleigh. We ask them to just have him come apologize. He comes up the steps and I am still fighting waves of "kill him, kill him".

He gives us some lame ass apology and slurrrrrssses his spetch.

Good enough. What could really come of us pressing charges? He has been stripped of his manhood enough for one night. He cried about his team losing then got an epic ass whooping. I call that a sweep. I pulled out the Mercy rule on HDB.

We go to the parking lot and pop a bottle of champagne with our tailgate pals for both victories.

On the way home we stopped at a SHEETZ and had some MTOs. That made everything alright.

This morning I woke up and looked at my wife’s face. A little swollen, no bruise. Honestly, it was hardly noticeable. I reach for my cell phone to check the time. As I do, I feel an immense pain in my right hand.

I can't help but think about the douche bag with no friends at the game who started a fight he couldn't finish. Somewhere in Greensboro, NC he is waking up hung-over and in more pain than I am.

Bottom line… Pens are going to the Stanley Cup Finals and The McConnells won their first fight as a married couple. I didn’t think crap like this happened to people once they got past a certain age. I guess when you surround yourself with thousands of white trash idiots it is bound to happen. For the first time in my life, I tried to alert the authorities and not just beat the crap out of someone. I tried to do what was right over what my instincts told me to do. But the security in that place blows nuts. We got unwillingly dragged into it but came out on top.

What a ridiculous night. I’m glad that I didn’t go to jail in Raleigh and have to see HDB’s family reunion in progress. I am really glad that my wife was ok. I am extremely happy that God made TiVo so I can watch Crosby pick up the P.O.W. But I am pissed that Hurricane “Douche Bag” stopped me from seeing it live.

The police gave us his name and address in case we wanted to press charges. I think I am going to mail him something nice when the Pens win the cup.


Charlie made an appearance on FSN:
The performance of Penguin-fans/Pensblog-people in this series will be something we'll tell our kids about.
Before they decide to kill us in our sleep.
Also in a stunning development, The Acid Queen e-mails us:
A classy move. And with that, The Acid Queen saga comes to an end.
It sure was a sweet ride.
Also would like to thank Dave McBrayer of [Carolina On Ice] and [Barry Melrose Rocks] for his well wishes.
Two Malkin songs.
First up from our boys at [KISS FM FREAKSHOW]

The Malkin Mash:  [MALKIN MASH]
It works, you have to admit.
This came in a few days ago from JD14:
This is a video that students of Donaldson elementary (West Allegheny School District)
made for the "students for stanley competition".
I think it is absolutely awesome and other fans would love to see it and it is worth a link.
Man.   haha

I Own You
h/t to Ice Alchemist.
And it's officially Red Wing time.
We couldn't help but go back and actually read the Pens' '07-'08 season dying day by day in our archives.
We get reminded of Emo Kid:
Remember this joke snuck into Mellon, threw an octopus on the ice, and slit his wrists?
Was that the last time we handed out the award? Jesus.
What are we becoming.
And then Lee P.:

But back to Emo Kid.
No one appreciated what the virgin did to the Mellon Arena ice last season.
And as much as we want to call PETA's attention to the Red Wings' harsh treatment of animals,
the hockey fan in us tells us not to mess with what is a solid hockey tradition.
But it won't step Pens fans from starting their own tradition on the ice at the Joe.
We are willing to concert efforts with someone heading to Game One.
Speaking of which, the TicketMaster password for Game One tickets presale is: PRERD4
Not sure how relevant that may be anymore.


We want some solid proposals by Thursday night on what needs to be thrown onto the ice at the Joe with the octopus.
We will go a step further.
If you go to the Joe, throw something, and get kicked out, we will reimburse you for any fines or tickets you incur.
And possibly set up a PayPal donation for the cause, as well.

Two strange people that predicted this:

Shockingly, Yahoo!'s Ross McKeon.
From his September 24, 2008 season preview. [YAHOO]
The Chief from Abel To Yzerman
He wrote this in his preview on The Pensblog 1.0 — [A2Y]
Last year in the Finals, we went head-to-head with the Chief and his minions. And we lost.
He has our championship belt.
The Chief is the gold standard in blogging.  And a supreme dick.
Unlike Flyer fans, Capital fans, and Canes fans, Red Wing fans hold 9 Cups over our heads.
They are smarter than the aforementioned fanbases and will job hard.
Last year, we were completely unprepared for the Finals.
But we're leaving nothing to chance. Win or lose, we may never be here again.
It's all guns blazing.
And finally, it took us about three days to find this.
We posted it way back on May 21, 2008.
But this stat was originally posted back on June 7, 2007.
Strangely enough, it is from Hurricanes blog [RED AND BLACK HOCKEY]
Here is a list of the last 19 Cup runner-ups:
  • 1989 Montréal Canadiens
  • 1990 Boston Bruins
  • 1991 Minnesota NorthStars
  • 1992 Chicago Blackhawks
  • 1993 Los Angeles Kings
  • 1994 Vancouver Canucks
  • 1995 Detroit Red Wings
  • 1996 Florida Panthers
  • 1997 Philadelphia Flyers
  • 1998 Washington Capitals
  • 1999 Buffalo Sabres
  • 2000 Dallas Stars
  • 2001 New Jersey Devils
  • 2002 Carolina Hurricanes
  • 2003 Mighty Ducks of Anaheim
  • 2004 Calgary Flames
  • 2005 no cup
  • 2006 Edmonton Oilers
  • 2007 Ottawa Senators
  • 2008 Pittsburgh Penguins
The stat:  No team has lost in the Finals twice.
Yeah, it applies to the Red Wings, too.  Just go with it.
God help us all.
Saturday night.
go pens
babock coached bylsma