If you're "afraid" of the Red Wings, we have no clue how you've come this far.
If you need more assistance in doing that, you shouldn't be alive.
So Me, My wife, and my buddy and his fiancé went to game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Pittsburgh Penguins and some other team. We all 4 live in Charlotte as of 2006 and decided to make the 3 hour trip on a “school night”.
For the most part, the fans in the RBC showed some good ol' southern hospitality and rarely said anything negative towards the plague of Pens fans in the parking lot or “arena”.
We parked next to some Pens fans and tailgated for a while. We even got to drink some I.C. Light which was offered to us in true Pittsburgh tailgate fashion by another group of tailgaters. I had to decline the offer to indulge in some hamburger action based on the fact that my stomach was empty and my beer was running low. I had to be smart and conserve. This was game 4. No chance of wasting stomach space. Not with a sweep on the line.
7pm rolls around and we start heading for the seats. I took my "SHAMWARD" and "TREASON" sign into the building. The security guy saw it and laughed, giving me the go-ahead to bring it in.
Long story short, Cam Ward Sucked and the Penguins won 4-1 and swept the series.
All day, I kept thinking about the fans leaving the building and all 4 of us rushing the lower level to watch the trophy presentation… it was so awesome in my head. They start to roll out the red carpet, the table comes out with an NHL logo on it. This is it. The Prince of Wales. One step closer to entering a rematch with Detroit. Visions of Marian Hossa saying he was going to sign with them because they were better positioned to win a cup entered my brain and I got chills.
… enter Hurricane "Douche Bag" (HDB)…
I see this guy walking down the stairs; he is about 5'8" 145lbs… He is leaving in shame and he yells at me:
HDB: I spit on you 5 times!
JFM: OK… and…
(HDB starts walking back up the steps towards me.)
At this point I start to think to myself: "How does this crap always happen to me?… Calm down… you're getting older… There is no need to fight some jackass… let it go…"
Then HDB spits in my face and turns to walk down the steps. I follow…
At the bottom of the steps is a female security guard. She is about 4'11"… I ask her to please call more security guards and tell her about HDB spitting in my face. Then HDB spits again…
"Don't kill this guy… walk away… it isn't worth it… grow up… you aren't 21 anymore…"
HDB Starts walking toward me. The next move was unpredictable but probably the easiest way to light my fire. He lightly and inconspicuously elbows me in the nose. I see red.
"Alright, KILL THE BASTARD, enough of this bullshit…"
HDB turns to walk away… The wind up… and the pitch… I throw a right to the back of his head which knocks him about 10 feet forward (later, some witnesses argued if it was a push or a punch and one of them claimed it was a "push" because "there's no way a punch makes someone move that far"). He turns around and comes toward me. But he isn't looking at me. He is targeting someone else. He throws a punch…
It lands on his target. I turn to see who he hit. I think "Great, now Smitty (my buddy) is hit".
…But I was wrong…
The son of a bitch cracked my wife in the face.
“KILL HIM, HE MUST DIE.”
He charges at me and tries to tackle me around the waste. I am 6’3” about 3 bills. I drop a people’s elbow into his neck and I gained the opportunity to do something I have always wanted to do. His “Jersey wasn't tied down…” I pull his shirt over his head and give him about a dozen upper cuts to the face in true hockey fashion. He falls to the ground and I got on top of him and began smashing his face. I catch one of his teeth with a punch.
I am punching him in the face, Smitty starts kicking his ribs in a manner reminiscent of the Robert Deniro stomp in Goodfellas.
Then some good Samaritan Caniac starts working his legs. For a moment his whole body is covered in punches and kicks. As they pull me off the guy, I kicked his face and felt the heel of my boot catch his nose. He took a Reginald Denny style beating for about 45 seconds, but overall, he took a pretty severe ass beating.
He tries to scramble away shirtless covered in red (by now, purple) marks, stupidity and shame, but security nabs him and cuffs him.
Immediately I turn to see if my wife is Ok. She is crying and holding the side of her face. My blood runs red hot and for a moment I consider continuing the beating while he is cuffed. Seeing her cry like that was unreal. "Kill him…"
But in the end, cooler heads prevailed. I settled down and began bitching at the security guard that she let this happen. I started complaining that I told her like 5 times to call security as HDB was leaving. Within minutes I am surrounded by security and police. They ask me to fill out a report. Grabbing the pen I realize my hand is broken (probably from the "push"). My wife stops crying and starts joking around about the situation. That made me feel a little less like breaking HDB's neck.
They ask us if we want to press charges, yadda, yadda, yadda… my wife and I discuss it and decide it isn't worth making a trip back to the shit hole that is Raleigh. We ask them to just have him come apologize. He comes up the steps and I am still fighting waves of "kill him, kill him".
He gives us some lame ass apology and slurrrrrssses his spetch.
Good enough. What could really come of us pressing charges? He has been stripped of his manhood enough for one night. He cried about his team losing then got an epic ass whooping. I call that a sweep. I pulled out the Mercy rule on HDB.
We go to the parking lot and pop a bottle of champagne with our tailgate pals for both victories.
On the way home we stopped at a SHEETZ and had some MTOs. That made everything alright.
This morning I woke up and looked at my wife’s face. A little swollen, no bruise. Honestly, it was hardly noticeable. I reach for my cell phone to check the time. As I do, I feel an immense pain in my right hand.
I can't help but think about the douche bag with no friends at the game who started a fight he couldn't finish. Somewhere in Greensboro, NC he is waking up hung-over and in more pain than I am.
Bottom line… Pens are going to the Stanley Cup Finals and The McConnells won their first fight as a married couple. I didn’t think crap like this happened to people once they got past a certain age. I guess when you surround yourself with thousands of white trash idiots it is bound to happen. For the first time in my life, I tried to alert the authorities and not just beat the crap out of someone. I tried to do what was right over what my instincts told me to do. But the security in that place blows nuts. We got unwillingly dragged into it but came out on top.
What a ridiculous night. I’m glad that I didn’t go to jail in Raleigh and have to see HDB’s family reunion in progress. I am really glad that my wife was ok. I am extremely happy that God made TiVo so I can watch Crosby pick up the P.O.W. But I am pissed that Hurricane “Douche Bag” stopped me from seeing it live.
The police gave us his name and address in case we wanted to press charges. I think I am going to mail him something nice when the Pens win the cup.
GO PENS. GO MCCONNELLS. HURRICANES BLOW. F**K BILL COWHER.
This is a video that students of Donaldson elementary (West Allegheny School District)made for the "students for stanley competition".I think it is absolutely awesome and other fans would love to see it and it is worth a link.
CALL TO ARMS
Two strange people that predicted this:
- 1989 Montréal Canadiens
- 1990 Boston Bruins
- 1991 Minnesota NorthStars
- 1992 Chicago Blackhawks
- 1993 Los Angeles Kings
- 1994 Vancouver Canucks
- 1995 Detroit Red Wings
- 1996 Florida Panthers
- 1997 Philadelphia Flyers
- 1998 Washington Capitals
- 1999 Buffalo Sabres
- 2000 Dallas Stars
- 2001 New Jersey Devils
- 2002 Carolina Hurricanes
- 2003 Mighty Ducks of Anaheim
- 2004 Calgary Flames
- 2005 no cup
- 2006 Edmonton Oilers
- 2007 Ottawa Senators
- 2008 Pittsburgh Penguins