WEST PREVIEW 2009-2010


The Western Conference is like that homo who is in your unofficial parking spot at work on random days. We would look back at our Western Conference preview last year and see how we did, but we didn’t even do one. Most of our knowledge for this preview revolves around watching NHL Network’s preview show and, you know, sort of being immersed in everything NHL for 8 months out of the year.

The only thing that could stop the Sharks this season are DUI checkpoints.
After all the choke jobs the last couple years, their window is closing fast.
Joe Thornton is still one of the best setup men in the league.
Heatley lurking around is going to be magic.
Sharks will finally make it to the Finals this year.
Chicago was hard to hate last year. Everyone is on Chicago’s collective penises this season (see ESPN the MAG).
They are ready to dethrone the Wangs at the top of the Division.
How can anyone hate the Flames?
Their fans are unreal, and they’re seemingly always in the hunt to do something.
Jarome Iginla doesn’t get enough face time.

They got Bouwmeester in the offseason to complement the overrated Dion Phaneuf.
So they’ll now have the most overhyped blue line in NHL history.
They easily have the best goaltending in the Northwest Division.
Oh, wait. Luongo. No, wait. Never mind. We don’t even know.
Possible sleeper pick to make more noise in the playoffs than they did last season.
Maybe former Panthers Luongo and Bouwmeester will make out
as the Flames and Canucks battle for the division.
If the Sedin brothers weren’t brothers, no one would even care.

The Blues are fun to play with on NHL10, so that’s what we’re basing our prediction on.
Brad “Little” Boyes is the next big thing. They have no semblance of goaltending, but the D is solid.
They lost like 600 man-games to injury or something ridiculous last season.
…And they made the playoffs.
It’s good for everyone if the Blues can get back into the playoffs.
They’ve lost Chris Pronger.
If you watched their series against the Wangs last season, you know how badly they need that presence on the blue line.
Jonas Hiller is somehow not guaranteed the number-one job going into the season.
If you don’t like Ryan Getzlaf, you don’t like hockey.
Their top 6 are among the best in the entire NHL.
Teemu Selanne still is a threat. Bobby Ryan. Chris Perry. Joey Gladstone. Bank.
Minnesota is a pretty solid West team to root for this year.
Their games won’t be a snooze job anymore, as former Pens brassman Chuck Fletcher is trying to change shit.
They got Sykora. They got Havlat.
And they’ll probably trade for Pascal Dupuis sometime this season. (Thanks Eric P.)
The bad news bears is that they’re in the same division as the Canucks and Flames.
Goalie Backstrom could lead a team like this year’s Blues team to the promised land.

There is a scene at the end of Armageddon where the crew is on their way back to Earth, and the captain wants to turn the ship around or something. But Ben Affleck pleads with him to not turn around, saying, “Harry doesn’t know how to fail.”
Same feeling we have for Scuds.
Their goalie might as well be Koko B. Ware.
They made some moves this offseason, bringing in some names.
They’re a torn ACL away from not even being a poopstain in the Western Conference.
Go Scuds.

Yeah, they squeaked in last season.
They have Mathieu Garon now, so they may win the Cup.
Yeah right.
If their team wasn’t located in the Arctic circle, talented players may actually want to go there.

Quick. Name five players on the Predators.
Why is there even a hockey team in Nashville, Tennessee?
Don’t even know who their coach is.
E-mail us when Patrick Roy becomes the GM or something.
They should just wear Nordique uniforms all season.
Marty Turco is still wiping feces off of himself.
Thanks for Boucher.
They might not even win a game this season. Man.
It will be one of the most meaningless seasons in the history of North American sports.
The Wangs are flacid.
Nick Lidstrom only has one ball now. That’s worth an extra 10 losses.
He’s gonna start getting hurt and will probably retire this year.
Without Lidstrom’s leadership, which Wings fans circle-jerk about, the Wings will be done.
But if they turn out all right, then it meant Lidstrom’s leadership was expendable.
Maybe Zetterberg and Datsyuk will start realizing that being compared to players 8 years younger than them isn’t good.
3-75-4. Mark it down.