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PENSBLOG CLASSICS: CONSPIRACY THEORY: DETROIT

 

We got this tweet from some fat ass in Michigan:
 
 
 
Cred…eh?
 
 
The following post is from January 30 of this year and makes us laugh to think someone accuses us of having "cred," at any point.
 
 
 
For everyone wanting to watch the Red Wings burn, their 3-2 loss to Columbus in the game where Lidstrom and Datsyuk served their suspensions was awesome. Red Wings fans and fanboys alike took some joy in seeing their team lose that night, as they felt it justified Chris Osgood's conspiracy theory of the NHL wanting the Red Wings to fail.
 
 
On a Red Wings blog called SNAPSHOTS, the author referred to us as "the site that rhymes with Hens Blog," as he lovingly swallowed everything a Detroit News journalist had to say about the conspiracy coming to fruition.
 
It really is a shame that no Red Wings fans anywhere are stepping away from the crowd and saying that this conspiracy stuff is idiocy taken to a level rarely seen from human beings.
 
However, after looking through the history of the Red Wings franchise and its players, these Red Wings fans may be justified in their gripes, as we uncovered a rabbit hole of information tying the Red Wings organization to some of the most troubling and shocking events in world history.
 
We started at the top of the organization and the city of Detroit itself, and it didn't take long for the ball of yarn to unravel.
 
 
First off, examine the Red Wings logo.
If you're smart, you already know what we see.
 
One of the symbols the Illuminati use to communicate their presence to other elitists is the all-seeing eye. It is quite visible in the center of the tire of the Red Wings logo.
 
We consulted Bear Grylls, and he confirmed that the wing in the logo is that of an owl. It's no secret that the owl deity Moloch is worshipped at the who's-who gathering of the Illuminati at Bohemian Grove in northern California.
 
We uncovered this never-before-seen pic, tying the Red Wing organization to this sedonic ritual:
 
we wish we were making this up
 
 
MIKE ILITCH — OWNER
Born July 20, 1929; 40 years to the day before Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
There are 40 minutes in two periods of hockey. Not a coincidence.
 
On March 15, 44 BC, Homus P. Ilitch was exhausted. After spending the previous night in a pool of water with other men, he knew Julius Caesar's fate was sealed; the assassination plot was engrained in the mind of his cohorts. Sure, the thought of one of these men running like a little bitch to Caesar to warn of the plot had crossed his mind, but when you make the best pizza in Rome, it is a valuable tool in ensuring the loyalty of your men.
 
 
The most prominent of these men was Brutus Jobbus, who had proven time and again to Homus that he was one of the most loyal men in Rome. His track record was immaculate. He was the perfect person to pin this assassination on, as he was unlikely to see it coming. For Homus Ilitch's whole plan centered around having Brutus live in infamy as Caesar's assassin, hiding the Ilitch name, all the while freeing up the name "Caesar" for his family's pizza chain.
 
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Caesar was stabbed 23 times.
Red Wings defenseman Brad Stuart wears #23.
 
 
GORDIE HOWE — ALL-EVERYTHING LEGEND
Born March 31, 1928. 16 days after the Ides of March.
Gordie Howe made out with 16 men on New Year's Eve 1954.
Howe's current age: 1,954 years old.
 
Early November 1941, Gordie Howe found himself in the city of Kyoto, Japan, under the assumed identity of Lou Diamond Phillips, a young entrepeneur from the Hawaiian island of O'ahu. Howe felt free in Japan, as their culture welcomed his homosexual lifestyle with open arms and cheeks. The sea of young Japanese men made Howe feel like a modern-day Christopher Columbus, gazing out into this untapped reservoir of discovery and wondering how much he could conquer.
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Unfortunately, this brash confidence would lead to his haste exit from Japan's borders, as well as the United States' involvement in World War II.
 
It all began with Charli Joko, a young Asian boy from a hard-knocks section of Kyoto. In late November 1941, Charli was walking down the main thoroughfare of Kyoto, a wide-eyed pre-teen eager to get home to his family. On his way home, he was beckoned by a couple of men in a dark alley. "Am I making a mistake?" he thought as he slowly walked into the alley. When his eyes adjusted to the darkness, they transformed the dark silhouettes into the images of two men: a brazen American and a Japanese man. The American's pants were off, tossed aside in a cornfield of garbage cans.
 
"You're next," the American said, "Sit over there." He pointed to the garbage cans. Charli took his place on the ground near the garbage cans and the American's pants. Aside from his poor judgment, Charli Joko knew how to survive. The American's attention was diverted by the other Japanese man. Charli made sure of this as he reached into the American's pants to lift his wallet. "An American's wallet?" Charlie thought to himself as screams of pain from the Japanese man echoed off the brick walls in the alley. "This is a gold mine."
 
The American finished with the Japanese man and turned his attention to Charli. He beckoned Charli over.
[ SECTION OMITTED ]
 
Charli limped home an hour later, to the dismay of his parents, as he was well past curfew. When your father is the leader of the Japanese Air Force, you know you're gonna get jobbed for missing curfew. Charli walked through his front door with his head down. His father's voice boomed as he order the young boy into his den. He raised his head to face his father, unaware that the early stages of mouth herp were setting in. Charli's father was no stranger to this. He knew what this was. As he beat the crap out of his kid, he felt something in the boy's front pocket; a wallet.
 
 
– "Who is this? Is this who did this to you?"
– "Yes, Father."
 
The rest, literally, is history.
Fact: Lou Diamond Phillips starred as Ritchie Valens in the 1987 blockbuster "La Bamba."
Phillips' character died in a plane crash on February 3, 1959, while writing a song about Hawaii.
There are 3 things in a Gordie Howe hat trick.
 
 
FORD MOTOR COMPANY — JFK
 
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Do you really think it's a coincidence that JFK was assassinated in a car made by the Ford Motor Company, a 1961 Lincoln Continental convertible limousine? Think again.
 
No one knows who was on the grassy knoll, but the Red Wings organization made certain that a young forward in their farm system, Lee Harvey Oswald, was present in Dealey Plaza on November 22, 1963. The young man, like every Detroit player, was prone to missing his shots, making him the perfect decoy to create a diversion so the silent partner on the knoll could do the job. But this is where the plot thickens.
 
We obtained this document, circa 1962, via the Freedom of Information Act:
 
John F. Kennedy was the last hurdle for the Red Wings' organization to jump before they could get funding secured for their new arena. But JFK wasn't going to budge, and Detroit's front office knew something had to be done. They contact Ford, who makes a special convertible equipped with high-powered silenced rifles built in the trunk. And that's how the deed was done.
 

 
14 years after the assassination, in 1977, the Red Wings broke ground on their new arena.
Chris Chelios was 14 years old when he helped the Egyptians build the pyramids.
 
 
STEVE YZERMAN — "THE CAPTAIN"
Yzerman was named captain in the summer of 1986.
That same summer, Greg Lamond won the Tour De France wearing the number 19.
Greg Lamond's uncle = John Wilkes Booth.
 
In Febuary 1993, Steve Yzerman's relationship with the Detroit Red Wings had reached a boiling point.
Not a lot of people remember, but Yzerman left the team for about 51 days.
Some say he played in the playoffs that year, but he didn't.
 
Where did Steve Yzerman go?
 
Many believe Yzerman is actually David Koresh
and that Yzerman was in the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas, during the spring of '93.
 
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Better evidence from Pensblog CSI:
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Those are David Koresh eyes on Steve Yzerman.
Proof:
 
For 51 days, the standoff took place between Yzerman and law enforcement.
Yzerman scored 51 goals in 1990-91.
 
On April 19, 1993, the FBI raided the Branch Davidian.
 
First game of the first round of the '92 cup playoffs for the Red Wings?
April 19.
 
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Too easy.
Go Pens.

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