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Had to be done. Why, you ask? Because it is fun. We haven't had something to gripe about since the days of Ouellet. We need this kind of stuff. No one ever said you have to be blindly in love with players just because they play on the Penguins. This isn't Steeler Nation. For the record, signing Bourque was a vintage Shero move. Low-risk, high-reward. We simply dislike Chris Bourque. Here our are reasons:
1. HE SUCKS
This is like our Zapruder film.
Seriously, watch that again.
That is just terrible. Bourque didn't want to pay the price to get that goal.
By comparison:
Dupe's goal on Saturday night.
Yeah, there was no one around him.
But still, he patiently took control of the puck and flipped the puck to his backhand.
2. HE IS RAYMOND BOURQUE'S SON.
Oh hai Ray. How many times did you make out with yourself today?
Sorry, we don't like Raymond Bourque and we never will. The way he ended his career never really sat well with us. For those of you in the dark, Bourque spent 99.9% of his career in Boston playing for the Bruins. They couldn't win a Cup. So the Bruins traded him to Colorado so he could get a shot at the Cup. And he allowed Boston to do that. What a coward. And then Avalanche franchise retired his number. If Ray was a real man, he would have declined it.
On a side note, back when 66 retired the first time, their was a game in Boston where Ray Bourque presented Buries It with a seat from the Boston Garden or something. It was before the game, and while Bourque was skating to hand him the gift, Bourque tripped over the carpet laid on the ice. We've mentioned this before, but this footage needs to be found. We know FSN has it. If they show it, we will never bash them again.
3. YOUR SWIFFER WET JET WORKS BETTER IN THE CORNERS.
Seriously, watch him next time. We don't have any video evidence to back up this claim, but that doesn't matter. First sign of a good hockey player is him/her/it taking a puck off someone in the corners. Never happened in his entire career.
4. HIS FIRST IMPRESSION.
Everyone believes in omens to an extent. Remember when MAF fell coming out of the locker room in Game 1 of the SCF back in '08? In Bourque's first game in a Pens jersey, he did some bizarre flip when he was trying to get the puck off a defender. Omen city.
5. HIS GOOGLE IMAGE PRESENCE.
This is the fourth pic you get when you Google him:
Ouch.
Next seven reasons after the jump.
7. SEX TOYS HAVE BETTER POSITIONING.
This goes with number 8, but Bourque always seems to be in terrible positioning on defense. You're a wing. Stick to your point.
Bourque plays about 12 minutes a night, so he doesn't get into a lot of pictures. However, the ones he does get into seem to incriminate him.
Exhibits please:
What is he doing?
What is he looking at? The puck going in, probably.
Should've got called for a spear.
8. HE WAS IN THE CAPITALS ORGANIZATION.
So what does that tell you? The Capitals didn't even want him.
9. HIS FAVORITE BAND IS CREED.
That has yet to be confirmed.
10. He won't score a goal for the Penguins, ever. Mark it down.
He will not score a goal, ever.
11. He'll score a goal against the Penguins at some point. Easiest prediction of all time.
12. He won't be on the Penguins roster by December 1st.
We think this is the reason that prompts the most dislike.
We don't feel the need to invest time into this guy.
People are saying all he needs is developed.
So do plants.
Once the full roster is set, Bourque will be sent down, and he will have to clear waivers.
Some other team will pick him up, and this will all be over.
E-mail your local representative and tell him to get the Pens to release Bourque.
OUR DEMANDS:
We won't be posting a regular recap until Bourque scores, retires, or is at least sent to the minors.
However, if we could somehow get in contact with Bourque...
If he simply agrees to do the Arnold Palmer fist pump after scoring his first Pens goal that will never happen,
we will instantaneously lift our sanctions.
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