When we decided to start this blog, we laid down a set of self-governing rules
that would keep us in check so we wouldn't become d-bags.
The first rule we came up with was if someone who calls himself Lord Jupiter
e-mails us, we wouldn't reply to the e-mail or give it the time of day.
But other people on the internet don't have that rule.
And that is where this story begins.
It is sad we even have to go through this.
We know. We know it is tired, it is beat.
We should be posting and examining the pics
of Vince from Shamwow and the hooker he destroyed.
We should be posting the pics of the Pens waiting tables.
Bottom line, we should be posting
anything but a rebuttal to a "Crosby Sucks" song.
The only thing more disturbing than writing about another man
is singing about him. We thought that's what Elton John was for.
But we'd never forgive ourselves in the morning if we didn't do this.
Especially when a Creed-like band is involved.
Just as a warning:
Their sound is a mixture of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and anal bleeding.
Please join us after the jump.
This whole sideshow started yesterday when Dan Steinjoke the writer of DC SPORTS BOG
did an interview with a Maryland "band" that made a Crosby hate song.
Okay, he's running a blog for Washington, D.C
And he tries off-the-wall stuff that won't make it into the newspaper.
What's he going to write about? The Wizards?
If you want to give credence to these people, that is your thing.
But it didn't stop there.
Greg of Yahoo's PUCK DADDY, the preeminent hockey blog on the Internet,
went to Gander Mtn. to find some website-hit fishing lures.
Gander Mtn, a.k.a. DC SPORTS BOG.
That's right, just when the playoff race has reached a near climax…
…when the hockey has reached its highest level…
The purported 100th most influencial man in hockey is linking to a band
that will most likely cut themselves while playing in front of their parents at their local Elks Club.
As evidenced by his commenting section that we screenshotted,
he has taken a turn for the worse, as many readers are turning on him.
We've always wondered what would happen if our own commentors turned on us.
Then we realized we're not douchebags who need to show traffic stats to our bosses.
But let's hold off on that subject for right this second.
Time to take a look at the principals.
authors of the one of the strangest combination of sounds in recent memory.
Naked women. Awesome.
They are so hardcore. And alcohol? Yeah!
Didn't every band do this spiel in the '80s?
Now, we have jobbed a lot of people.
These guys are almost too much fun.
The band members are:
(yes, they go by hard-core aliases instead of "Jeff")
LORD JUPITER, ruler of your kingdom.
His real name is probably Steve and can't rule his own bathroom.
Sins of the Sun. Sons of Liberty.
Just a question for everyone. You might be reading this at work or at home or wherev.
If you went up to the next person you see and asked them to call you Lord Jupiter,
how many times would you get punched in the face?
Not even sure what to say.
But just close your eyes and imagine the room
when he gets introduced and the stunned look on people's faces.
We liked Jurassic Park as much as anyone, but this is bad.
Again, the ineptitude of this band and their record label.
If you're a fan, wouldn't you want to know what the initials OBM stand for?
We couldn't find out. We couldn't even make anything up.
Nice names, toolbags.
They consider themselves "the anti-Jonas Brothers, who would wear IMpurity rings,
but the nastiness of our flesh would corrode the metal in seconds."
That is intense.
At the time this post went up, their page had 105 comments.
The first comment was posted in December of 2007.
fail. you're on the internet. try harder.
And at least get a decent producer for this "breakthrough" song.
Whoever produced this song was retarded.
You can't even hear the lyrics.
So the page everyone's been visiting recently is their LYRICS PAGE.
These dudes sat around and had enough hate for Crosby to spend however long to make a song about it? Check that — once the hatred for him was toned down after the initial "let's make a Crosby Hate Song" conversation, their new inspiration was the 4 minutes of fame they would receive so they could stay on their DANCING BULL
Here's what we're dealing with:
Seriously, this band knew that the song was gonna get more publicity than anything they've done in their lives.
And, you idiots, no one's gonna buy the song after they heard it once.
It doesn't have replay value. It doesn't even have play value.
At least just do a preview and make people buy it.
It's gonna be your only quasi-hit that you didn't blackmail your parents to buy.
Whoever is running DANCING BULL shouldn't be allowed to run a Subway.
Now we get to the good stuff.
We get to examine the combination of sounds.
After you cut through the teeny-bop, conform-to-the-label sound,
you really want to know what the lyrics were.
"his mouth is always running
with his swollen flapping lips
that he puckers up for Mario
when he isn't sucking [blank]"
The words that would fit there are DIPS, HIPS, NIPS, RIPS, SIPS, TIPS, ZIPS.
They are trying to allude to fellatio.
But actually saying NIPS would have been funnier. Think about it.
Another thing that would have been funny:
Mario going to their houses and killing their families.
"Crosby sucks, he's out of luck,
cause all the tears and press attention
will not help him catch Ovechkin"
He's not gonna catch Ovechkin?
What does that even mean?
"He's a diver, a whiner,
with a wimpy one-timer,
a cheater, a bleater,
and a loser, not a leader"
So these guys basically trolled PUCK DADDY's comments
and copy and pasted lyrics into Microsoft Word?
"Whiner" and "timer" do not rhyme.
Close, but no dice.
well at least on certain stations
a poster child for francophiles
who dance to Zombie Nation"
Do these guys know that only 22.7% of Canada is French-speaking?
Damn it, that's all you could find to semi-rhyme with "child"?
Nice lazy rhyme with Zombie Nation. Unreal, man.
"all his fans are morons
who defend his every stunt
and the "C" that's on his chest
well it really stands for…"
Here is what they said in their interview at SPORTS BOG:
Any particular reason this…is more, uh, family friendly?
Lord Uranus: Everyone needs to know how bad "Crosby Sucks,"
regardless of age, so we bit the bullet for the greater good.
and they like little boys
"Crosby sucks like laser pucks (Pensblog edit: good line),
though you can dress him up with lipstick,
you can't photoshop statistics"
NHL career points-per-game:
We don't have to photoshop statistics.
But we can photoshop a "First Round of the Playoffs" patch on the Caps' sweaters.
"A yoni, a phony
losing races with zambonis
it's scary how you're married
to Lemieux and Donna Cherry"
As the first humans in the 21st century to use the word "yoni,"
we have to give them a break.
It's a word meaning "vagina."
It's to show us that they are well-educated.
And that they're in a band called Pummeler on Dancing Bull Productions.
No one knows what losing a race to a Zamboni even means.
Who's Donna Cherry? We're confused.
Is that the Cindy Crosby syndrome? Make a dude's name into a girl's name?
Now, it is not only a shame that Jake Plummeler got their song some play.
But Steinjoke actually interviewed them.
Here are some awesome excerpts:
Toolshed: The song is an attack on NHL marketing. Sidney Crosby is the blush-faced, conservative poster "Kid" for that marketing. There are a lot of adult fans out there who resent the new dumbed-down, kid-proofed Bettman NHL. They resent the idea of marketers trying to put a safe, North American "face" on the sport to try and neuter it for soccer moms, instead of letting the game develop its own natural character through the men who play it. They resent the presentation of Crosby as some sort of Matrix-Neo of hockey, when the guys who are actually pulling off legendary, storybook type of plays happen to actually be two inconveniently ugly and scary Russians. This song points at that 900-pound gorilla in the room, and demands that he stop flinging dung at the truth.
Haha. Does the song do that?
That quote came from our favorite member of the group, PHILOSORAPTOR.
What an idiot.
At first, most people won't get the deeper meaning of the song,
but really it's all right there in the title. Crosby Sucks.
The song's about as empty as the firehalls your band plays at.
Some national media members and fans have accused Caps fans of being obsessed more with hating Crosby than loving Ovechkin
. Any validity to that accusation?
OBM: You know, I think you have to acknowledge that the converse is true in Pittsburgh, and in other cities, when it comes to Ovechkin. In some cities, Ovechkin will get booed every time he touches the puck, for no good reason. I have multiple pieces of Ovechkin memorabilia, including two expensive hockey sweaters. I don't have any anti-Crosby articles of any sort. That pretty much answers your question right there.
Yeah, that pretty much didn't answer the question at all.
The longer the answer to a simple question, the more bullshit it is.
Philosorapter: I think Crosby plays a little dirty, but so does Ovechkin sometimes. What I actually hate is the Crosby icon, which exists outside of Sidney himself. He may or may not be complicit, but it is more what he is being used for than the actual person.
Steinjoke: So you don't have any of the anti-Crosby posters/t-shirts/jerseys
that have proven so popular this year?
Philosoraptor: Nope. We did the song for the lulz, but I draw the line
at being a walking billboard for the lulz.
Drew the line a little too late, chief.
You're being interviewed about the song.
Seriously. Go back and read that dude's quote again.
We really can't stop trying to comprehend the level of moron reached in that quote.
Do you want to see the Penguins in the first round?
Philosoraptor: I personally do not want to see the Caps play the Pens at all, because this franchise seems to have a collective psychosis or curse when playing against the Pens in the post season. Not that I believe this year's Caps won't roll over the Penguins as they did in all but one of their meetings this year, but I favor the path of least resistance.
Is there a path of least resistance in the playoffs?
No one told us about that.
And it's not a curse. The Caps have just sucked.
So what's the next Caps-related anthem?
Probably a song about Brooks Laich beating down Walker, President of Texas.
It's for you. 2007 called.
It wants its Chuck Norris joke back.
And finally, the coup de grace: PUCK DADDY.
His move to Yahoo was great for the hockey internet community.
We would have given him a break on this one
if this was actually before some big Caps/Pens game or a playoff series.
But on some idle Monday when half the league
is fighting for their playoff lives?
How is this good for anything?
As a Penguins blog, we have a free pass to talk about Crosby 24/7, but we never do.
What is there to talk about? He's good. End of story.
Have we ever devoted an entire post to Ovechkin,
sans the one where we tried to get him into the ASG starting lineup?
But that was before it was cool to make posts just to get site traffic.
But let's not forget the main point here:
YOU ARE ACKNOWLEDGING SOMEONE
WHO CALLS HIMSELF LORD JUPITER.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
You made an 8-minute video about it.
Get over it.
As promised, here is what some of the commentors over there had to say:
If we would not have done this post, we wouldn't be able to sleep at night.