Hacksaw Announces Retirement


After some deliberation with my loved ones and close family friends,

it is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement from The Pensblog.

The last two years have been a turbulent time in my life.
I was caught doing coke in a movie theater.
The exact details of the transaction that sent me to Fear The Fin is something that no one should know about.

But, most prominently, I respect The Pensblog for not releasing my current battle with sex addiction

that has directly correlated with my subpar performance in recent times.

[ Chokes up ] Through it all, The Pensblog was my rock.
I was called on time and again to come through in big games.
And I just couldn’t deliver.


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I don’t want to interfere with the current playoff run,

so I’ve requested that a retirement ceremony is delayed until the start of the 2010-2011 season.

Rest assured that I will be glued to the television for the rest of the season.
Go Pens.  God Bless.

[ Voice quivering ] h-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.
[ Collapses at the podium. ]
Thanks for everything you did, Hacksaw.
To alleviate the grief that this press conference has brought, we give you Penguin cats: