Alternative Uses for the Civic Arena

After the Penguins jump over to the Con next season, Mellon Arena will lay behind them, cowering in fear, knowing that its end is near. It’s not the type of ending Disney would have written for such an iconic building.

But…news flash: Walt Disney had lung cancer and died.

They are going to tear down the Mellon Arena. No petition is going to change that.
The guy that designed it is all jammed up. We don’t blame him.

Let’s face it. Making the Mellon Arena a parking lot is a tough pill to swallow.
But we reckon you’ve swallowed worse.
Like throwing down 70 bucks for a Milan Kraft jersey.

Not to mention there is nowhere to park as it is. Screw that parking garage they are building. Great, now instead of sitting in traffic in the parking lot, you can sit in the parking garage.

So, in theory, leveling the Mellon Arena for more parking is the right thing to do. Communism works in theory, as well.
And since it’s Pittsburgh, this whole thing will be screwed up somehow.

So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to come up with alternative uses for the Mellon. Under our many proposals, the Mellon Arena would be saved, the city of Pittsburgh would have unlimited money, and the economy of the United States would be righted.

After the jump, we detail numerous plans, totaling in revenue streams upwards of $82 billion, that can save the Mellon Arena.

If you haven’t been following Pittsburgh politics, here is what’s going on. Ravenstahl is under fire because he wants to tax students going to school in Pittsburgh. Because of his own poor decisions in balancing the budget, he is going to rob students of money just so they can come out of school and move away from Pittsburgh because there aren’t any jobs. Try to get as much money out of them as you can before they jump ship. Genius.

He said the tax will increase in the area of $16 million.
If we were still in school, we would have taken the Alcoa Building hostage by now.
No clue how the city is in debt, anyway.
Oh, we forgot. G20.

So this tax shows the lack of creativity by the Mayor of Pants.
He has a gold mine sitting right under his nose, but he is probably too busy chasing men to notice.

That’s right. The Mellon Arena could be the saving grace he uses to save this city.
But we know, if it was up to Luke Ravenstahl, he would probably turn it into a worship site for his sac.

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The whole appeal of keeping the Mellon Arena around would be to use it for something at all times, to keep it a part of our lives.
But more importantly, it will become a cash cow that could save America.

Who wouldn’t do this? For only $5,000, you get married, have a reception, and all that shit.
Food would be supplied by Aramark at the normal concession stands.
We would personally handle all the wedding bookings. Gay marriages allowed.
Probably 1,000 weddings a year, easy. That’s $5 million. We take 30%.
Hire the cotton-candy guy to hand out cups for beer pong. Limitless entertainment.
Charge about $3,000 for the space.
50 parties a summer = $150,000.
The money is rolling in.
But now we’re getting into the real shit.
For the entire month of October, turn the Mellon Arena into a haunted house.
If you remember, when you were younger this actually happened. It was called the TerrorDome.
Now our idea.
If you grew up in Western PA, you have to remember the rumors of a Haunted House that you had to pay like 20 bucks to enter.
It was like a 20-story house, and if you survived, you would get your money back.
It’s time to bring this idea to life.
In our Hell in the Cell, you pay $25 to get in. You have to sign a waiver basically signing your life away.
Once you enter, anything goes. It would be the scariest thing you’ll ever experience.
You have to get all the way around the arena. You could tap out at any time.
— Spider City —
You would have to walk through a massive spider web with a blinking light.
A huge mechanical spider would be inching towards you.
You’d have 3 minutes to get through it before the Mechanical Spider destroyed your life and trapped you.
— The Maze —
There would be only one way out of the maze.
One wrong turn, and you’re eliminated.
— Jumanji —
You have to re-enact and survive the final action scene from Jumanji.
— Jurassic Park —
This would be the final stage.
You against T-Rex at center ice.
This would probably save America.
Millions upon millions of people would travel to Pittsburgh to face the Cell.
$25 for in-state residents. $40 for out-of-state.
And we could trick some of the tourists into eating at the Grille on 7th.
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Using money from our other endeavors, we would build an exact replica of the old-school AG Eliminator.
How fun would this be on weekends? It would help people survive the work week.
Set up unreal Facebook groups and head down to the Mellon for a tournament.
$40 buy-in. Sign a waiver.
Rent it out specifically for your circle of friends for $6 million.
Throughout the weekend, the tournament would be paired down until only two remain.
The winner goes head-to-head against Gary Roberts for the chance to win $100,000.
And every so often, The Aggro Crag from GUTS would be set up, as well.
If you win that, you finally get to have sex with that British chick.
With Mike O’Malley watching.
How else are we going to get a sequel to “Sudden Death”?
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We have thrown this idea around in our heads for as long as we can remember.
This alternative use for the Mellon would bring in an estimated $18.9 billion annually.
Here is what happens. Pennsylvania Death Row inmates would be brought to the Mellon Arena.
The inmates’ respective victims’ families would be brought to the Mellon Arena, as well.
They would pick the course of death for the inmate, be it a lion or some unreal ape, in front of a packed house.
Just picture the atmosphere of The Coliseum in Rome.
Now stop for a second and think. This is a genius idea.
These inmates are dying anyway. Might as well give them a chance to prove they should be alive.
If they survive, their death sentence is transferred to a life sentence.
They would spend the rest of their days in a field, making wine for 66.
Can you imagine the spectacle of this event?
The anticipation of a child rapist going in against two emaciated lions?
The draw of a serial murderer fighting for his life encircled by alligators?
Or, tying into the pool idea from above, submerge the inmate underwater, with breathing equipment,
to see if he can survive the wrath of Great Whites and Humboldt squids?
This is nothing that hasn’t been done in the past.
Human-rights people can lick us, because the inmates will get to decide if they want to participate.
And they will. They’re gonna die anyway. They will jump at this chance of survival.
Dan Potash interviews the inmates right before their titanic clash.
Jay Caufield breaks out the telestrator and shows the faults in the inmates’ survival strategies.
Not to mention there would be a special-guest referee
who decides if the inmate provided enough entertainment value during the battle.
$50 ticket price.
Free admission if you can prove you were friends with the inmates’ respective victims.
At home, you pay $59.99 for the exclusive pay-per-view event.
Consol Energy would sponsor it, doing that graphic they do, but instead blowing up the inmate’s face.
We’ve done the math. $18.9 billion annually.
This idea would save everything we hold sacred in Pittsburgh and America.
Go Pens

TPB Staff

About TPB Staff

est. 2006 Semi-retired