Gm 1 Featured

Thoughts: Game 1 – Fire Everyone, Pens lose opener 3-0

Stars 3  Pens 0 Goals None Penalties Bonino (hooking) – Overly aggressive (tries to reach for a stick-lift on Spezza in the offensive zone and gets his stick parallel into Spezza’s hands for a hooking call) Bennett (holding) – Overly aggressive (follows Spezza in the defensive zone and tries to reach past him to get […]

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Postgame Thoughts: An Explanation

Pens season is finally upon us, so here’s a rough explanation/template of the postgame thoughts I’ll be delivering all season. Note: I have always called these “thoughts” posts because everything is subjective to a degree, so always remember that and never take anything I say as complete fact. They’re just my observations and they work […]

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Season Preview: Phil Kessel – Castaway

Phil Kessel as a Tom Hanks movie “Castaway.” No better movie sums up Phil Kessel. He was cast away in the hell of an island that is Toronto and had to talk to Dion Phaneuf, who has the IQ of a volleyball. Last Season Recap So much has already been made of Kessel’s final year in Toronto. He […]


Season Preview: Sidney Crosby – Captain Phillips

Sidney Crosby as a Tom Hanks movie Obviously. Last Season Recap A pedestrian 84 points in 77 games. Still, though: 84 points in 77 games. He’s a pretty decent hockey player. What else is there to say, really? What to look forward to this season Kessel Kessel Kessel. Crosby and Kessel’s left winger could be Jung-Ho […]

SUNRISE, FL - JUNE 27:  Daniel Sprong poses for a portrait after being selected 46th overall by the Pittsburgh Penguins during the 2015 NHL Draft at BB&T Center on June 27, 2015 in Sunrise, Florida.  (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Season Preview: Daniel Sprong – Splash

Daniel Sprong as a Tom Hanks movie “Splash.” Whatever. Last Season Recap Last season, Sprong was playing for the Charlottetown Islanders in the QMJHL, a team which, unless you are really in tune with junior hockey, you’ve never even fucking heard of. Sprong’s fall in the draft is curious, but whatever. He scored 39 goals and […]

VANCOUVER, BC - FEBRUARY 1:  Adam Clendening #44 of the Vancouver Canucks skates up ice during their NHL game against the Minnesota Wild at Rogers Arena February 1, 2015 in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.  (Photo by Jeff Vinnick/NHLI via Getty Images)

Season Preview: Adam Clendening – Turner & Hooch

Adam Clendening as a Tom Hanks movie   Because he might have to play with Ben Lovejoy at one point this season. Last Season Recap He played 21 games in the NHL last season. Came to the Pens over the summer in the Brandon Sutter trade. He’s only 22 years old and has had some good […]


Season Preview: Olli Maatta – A League Of Their Own

Olli Maatta as a Tom Hanks movie Just because Olli Maatta is that good. Geena Davis dropped the ball on purpose, and it ruined the whole movie. Your little sister lives in your shadow her whole life, and instead of making her work to beat you, you just let her win. That’s not the way to […]


Season Preview: David Morehouse – Forrest Gump

David Morehouse as a Tom Hanks movie Forrest Gump. No need to explain. Last Season Recap People get really upset when we make fun of David Morehouse. And that’s okay. Because we really, really don’t care. Morehouse’s loudest defenders will tell you he is just the President of the Penguins and that he has no […]

PITTSBURGH, PA - JUNE 23: Jim Rutherford of the Carolina Hurricanes attends day two of the 2012 NHL Entry Draft at Consol Energy Center on June 23, 2012 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

Season Preview: Jim Rutherford – Saving Private Ryan

Jim Rutherford as a Tom Hanks movie “Saving Private Ryan” was about an impossible task. And that is kind of what Jim Rutherford is dealing with. He has to juggle a massive roster overhaul while still keeping the Penguins a contender. One could argue, though, that if Jim Rutherford was Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan,” […]


Season Preview: Mike Johnston, Rick Tocchet, and Gary Angnew – Apollo 13

The coaching staff as a Tom Hanks movie Apollo 13. Because they are possibly leading a doomed flight. Or they can make Walter Cronkite cry on the air and win the Cup. By the way, Tom Hanks rattled off “Apollo 13,” “Forrest Gump,” and “Philadelphia” from 1993-1995. Three iconic movies in two years. Impossible to find a […]

PHILADELPHIA, PA - JANUARY 20: Chris Vande Velde #76 of the Philadelphia Flyers checks Bobby Farnham #34 of the Pittsburgh Penguins at the Wells Fargo Center on January 20, 2015 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Drew Hallowell/Getty Images)

Season Preview: Bobby Farnham – Toy Story

Bobby Farnham as a Tom Hanks movie Bobby Farnham is “Toy Story” because the less you see him, the better. Last Season Recap Bobby Farnham’s big moment last season is when he got pumped by some reject from the Flyers: What to look forward to this season No one can believe Bobby Farnham made the team. […]


Season Preview: Patric Hornqvist – The Green Mile

Patric Hornqvist as a Tom Hanks movie We picked this movie because you can’t remember exactly what it’s about, but you know it’s good. That’s Hornqvist. You really can’t remember what he does, but you know it is generally good. Last Season Recap Hornqvist, when healthy, was a model player last year. He scored 25 goals and […]


Season Preview: Marc-Andre Fleury – The Da Vinci Code

Marc-Andre Fleury as a Tom Hanks movie Back in 2013, Pens goalie coach Mike Bales stepped in and took MAF back to the basics, and he’s become a dependable goalie. His performances against the Flyers and Islanders in the playoffs still linger in everybody’s minds, though. Still a mystery to some. Last Season Recap TEN SHUTOUTS. […]


Season Preview: Brian Dumoulin – The Terminal

Brian Dumoulin as a Tom Hanks movie Since Dumoulin has spent more time shuffling back and forth in airports than he has spent on the ice, we’re giving him “The Terminal.” Fact: The movie was based on a real guy who lived in Terminal 1 at the Charles de Gaulle Airport in France for 18 years. […]


Season Preview: Nick Bonino – Angels and Demons

Nick Bonino as a Tom Hanks movie Nick Bonino = angel. Brandon Sutter = demon. Last Season Recap He put up 22 goals for the Ducks in 2013-2014. And then got 15 more for the Canucks last year. Unless he has debilitating body odor, we can’t figure out why the Canucks wanted rid of him. What […]


Link City: The Injury Plague, Mullets, and How I Got Into Hockey

Here is what you might have missed with the Penguins, the NHL, and Erreything else. PENS STUFF – Well…they almost made it through the preseason without an injury.  Pascal Dupuis will miss the opener against Dallas with the ever mysterious “undisclosed injury.” ***UPDATE**** – Tim Erixson got put on waivers yesterday, but will stay up […]


Season Preview: Eric Fehr – The Man with One Red Shoe

Eric Fehr as a Tom Hanks movie The Man with one Red Shoe. We don’t even know the plot of this movie. Early Hanks, probably just cashing in. We just know Fehr has spent his entire career with the Capitals. Last Season Recap Scored 19 goals. Had elbow surgery over the summer and won’t be with […]


Season Preview: Ian Cole – The Great Buck Howard

Ian Cole as a Tom Hanks movie We didn’t know this movie existed until we went through Hanks’ IMDB page. The plot is the lead character becomes the new assistant to an illusionist whose skills are in decline. Illusionist: Rob Scuderi. Can’t hit a home run with all of these. Last Season Recap After coming from […]

the road

The Road: How Schedule Making Affects the Penguins This Season

The NHL season is long. Almost seven months. One hundred and eighty-six days. 4920 minutes of game time, not counting the countless hours of preparation, practice, morning skates, trainer time, press interviews, and traveling. And traveling in the NHL is a bitch too. Two countries. Sixteen states, five provinces, and one district. Four time zones.   […]


Season Preview: Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Plotnikov – Bosom Buddies

Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Plotnikov as a Tom Hanks show “Bosom Buddies.” Everything has come full circle for Evgeni Malkin. When he arrived in Pittsburgh, he couldn’t speak a lick of English and Sergei Gonchar had to be his translator. Now Malkin has to be the translator for Sergei Plotnikov. The only caveat: Malkin still […]


Season Preview: Jeff Zatkoff – He Knows You’re Alone

Jeff Zatkoff as a Tom Hanks movie “He Knows You’re Alone,” Tom Hanks’ first movie. You never really talk about it and it probably wasn’t that good, but you have to acknowledge it. Last Season Recap We have no clue what he did last season because he was in Wilkes-Barre. Thomas Greiss was the Penguins’ backup […]


Link City: Goodbye Sarge

PENS STUFF – The opening night roster is set. FORWARDS Beau Bennett (Pitt/WBS/Wheeling),Nick Bonino (VAN), Sidney Crosby (PITT), Matt Cullen (NASH), Pascal Dupuis (PITT), Bobby Farnham (PITT), Eric Fehr (WAS), Patric Hornqvist (PITT), Phil! Kessel (TOR), Tom Kuhnackl (WBS), Chris Kunitz (PITT),Evgeni Malkin (PITT), David Perron (EDM/PITT), Sergei Plotnikov (Yaroslavl(KHL)), Daniel Sprong (Charlottetown(QMJHL)) DEFENSEMEN  Adam Clendening […]