The Joe Thornton Celebration Scale

Joe Thornton had this awesome quote regarding the reaction he would have if he scored four goals like his teammate Tomas Hertl:

“I’d have my cock out if I scored four goals. I’d have my cock out, stroking it.”

That is a fair reaction in our opinion. But that is probably the end game. What are the other appropriate reactions? We scaled through several celebrations and developed a complex set of rules to identify the correct celebration.


For just one goal, it would require some heavy petting. Act like you've been there before but set the stage.




A large, freedom-setting thrust is OK'd for the second goal. Two goals are a game-changer.



Two celebrations according to the scale algorithm are acceptable. 

The big balls celebration

Grab your sac.

A good grab sets the stage::

Fourth Goal

Obviously you whip it out and stroke it. Also, this song plays immediately in the arena:

We will periodically review this scale, so please feel free to submit your own suggestions and possible exceptions.