You know the old saying “When you play Pittsburgh, you play an entire city"? There should be an asterisk attached to that because it only applies when a Pittsburgh team is winning.
The Steelers, due to embarrassing contracts, terrible drafting, and time catching up with them are 2-6 and are probably going to finish like 3-13. The last two days of sports-talk radio has been like a bomb going off.
Most people find being a fan of multiple sports teams at the same time very easy. But for a lot of Steeler fans, this is not possible due to low IQs and other various issues.
After Sunday’s embarrassment in New England, Steeler fans may be opening the sports section of their favorite newspaper thumbing to the NHL standings.
Not sure if they still have those in newspapers, but we assume they do. Imagine how stunned that guy in his Terry Bradshaw jersey will be when, while packing his lunch in a “lunch pail,” he sees the Penguins have 11 wins and just 4 losses.
If you are like that guy and are taking the Steelers’ current season personally, we ask that you step away and join Pens fandom early. We have written this guide for you.
With the Steelers’ season over, it’s time to welcome all the Steelers fans to the Pens’ hockey season. Welcome.
Quick reference of things you need to know
-Unlike the NFL, you don’t have to wear bulletproof vests when attending a Pens game. You can simply wear jeans and some type of Penguins top, and you are set.
-Parking goes from about $5 to $20 around CONSOL. We know you’re used to paying like 80 bucks for parking; this is not a typo.
-Snorting cocaine in the stands is frowned upon in CONSOL.
-That thing the Pens do that prevents the other team from scoring, it is called defense. The Pens have been pretty good at it so far this season.
-We know you’re used to commercials, so to ease your transition to watching games on TV, you may want to pull up some ads for light beer to watch on YouTube during stoppages in play.
-You don’t have to dive behind a dumpster when you see a Penguin driving down Carson Street.
-The face of the franchise, Sidney Crosby, isn’t a ham and doesn’t rely on his teammates to carry him to world championships.
Now, here are some high-level things you need to know, things you should do and some things you shouldn't.
Should I Wear Steelers gear to Penguin games?
Leave the throwback Health Miller jersey at home for this one. Maybe just wear a black shirt or something if you have no Penguins gear.
The Penguins are on this thing called a power play. Should I yell for them to shoot?
I CAN’T WAIT TO WOOOOOO
How much time should I block from my schedule to watch a game?
Great question. Average NHL games are normally no longer than two and half hours. It isn't like the NFL where games are basically the entire day.
How many Penguins players have committed crimes that I should overlook?
The Penguins only commit crimes during game action. But since Matt Cooke is no longer on the team, it looks like you will have to deal with the relatively crime-free NHL culture. :(
Can I expect to see mentions of Pittsburgh Dad surrounding the Penguins?
No, the Penguins don't usually pay for in-game entertainment, and Pittsburgh Dad isn't funny, so.
Do the Penguins offer any other things I should be aware of?
Yes, sometimes the Penguins have student rushes, and even deliver pizza to those waiting in line. This is a big change from Dan Rooney and the Steelers, who only hand out bills and expect people to pay them for nothing. *Example, a public-funded stadium.
*troll so hard